(Source: octopussoir-, via lostinthehundredacrewoods)
Je recommence encore
In case you forget, life is kind of beautiful.
Shameless self-promotion? Of course.
So what are you guys doing in March? What? Seeing me in a musical? Well, that’s so kind of you! Really, how sweet.
Details below, bitches.
Oh, okay, so not everyone thinks that masturbation jokes are funny.
I’ve learned something tonight.
(Source: surferdude182, via lostinthehundredacrewoods)
(Source: catsbeaversandducks, via thedreamersanonymous)
(Source: the-swedish-short-snout, via thespian)
Anonymous asked:
you're such a fucking poser
Bitches ain’t shit.
You know what’s worse than doing homework? Being hungover and doing homework.
#sorryboutitbraincells
Breanne and I went out to dinner this evening. We got put on a waiting list for a table. I decided to use this time resourcefully and to use the restroom. I approached this one waiter and asked where the facilities were located. He somehow managed to translate my subtext into, “Take me now, please.”
On the upside: I was promoted to the top of the aforementioned forty-minute waiting list and was comped my appetizer and drinks.
On the downside: I unintentionally used my womanly wiles to take advantage of literally the sweetest kid to walk the face of the earth—who then, on my receipt, proceeded to give me his number:
Which made me feel like a terrible human being.
So, being THE WORLD’S BIGGEST CUNT, I left him this gem:
I’m such a charmer.
Foster, if you’re reading this, you’re a fucking champ. And if it makes you feel any better, we’ll always have Red Lobster.
(Source: legen-wait-for-it, via thespian)
